out of my mind, back in ten minutes (I hope)

There's no point in being less than forthright and no shame in being honest: this has been a rough 2015 for me already.  Friends, to be real deal Holyfield, I'm having a bit of a mid-life crisis, first suspected and researched online, then discussed with and confirmed by my therapist.  I've become insanely, acutely aware of what I have, but mostly what I have not yet done with my life.  I second guess and doubt everything I am going to do or have thought of doing or need to do.  I'm having terrific anxiety about what I'm going to be doing after my placement, which gives me anxiety about what I am doing now, and then I worry about that.  I can't say there isn't any aspect of my life that I have not questioned or second guessed or fruitlessly thought about changing in some way or another.

Coupled with the traditional Iowa winter blues, and a nice healthy dose of "someone f*cked up my prescription renewal so I haven't had some of my medication for almost two weeks now" I am in a weird place.  I don't wish myself any harm or ill-will, but I am about ready to plan a "I've got my meds back and I'm feeling fan-freaking-tastic" party and I feel very much like I am not all there right now.

Food doesn't sound good.  This is not good.  I need to keep eating.  I have been pushing myself to eat for days now.  Hunger as a concept no longer exists.
I am almost constantly sleepy.  I think I could sleep for days.
I am also almost constantly jittery. So laying down to sleep...still not easy.
Yesterday I found myself laughing at something that wasn't even funny.  Literally not funny.  I just couldn't stop laughing at it.
I feel like I am in a constant fog.
If you ever saw the Futurama episode Time Keeps On Slipping, that's also going on.  I feel like I blink and suddenly 20 minutes or so is missing.
I keep getting off and on headaches.

All in all, this is not as a whole terrible.  But I can tell you...it's Not Very Good At All.  I just don't feel like I'm always in my body and that's a very discombobulating feeling.  And a very isolating, panic inducing feeling.  I feel Very Alone, but at the same time, since I do feel so out of it, I don't like to burden others with it.  So I am Very Alone, but for everyone's own good.

I was nice to myself today.  I was going to get up early (after being up far too late, sleep schedule is an issue right now too) and Get Things Done, but even with my most obnoxious captcha necessary to turn off alarm, that didn't happen, and I spent the day mostly in bed, just watching TV and the Internet and basically being a zombie...

No regrets.  Hopefully it makes tomorrow better.

Three meetings on Wednesday, then two days away at training.  Please hope for the best.  I could use it.

Sexism? In my office? In my Internet? It's more likely than you think.

Originally this blog post was going to be a little one dimensional, but I have an interesting new angle on it!  (I've been sitting on this for a while, just hadn't gotten around to writing it.)

I'm also going to throw a content warning here for language, but it's necessary in this case.
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Let's be honest, everyone--we all waste time at work online. (I am right now, writing this!) Sometimes you just need a break, you know?  Clear your head, learn about the world around you, goof off, whatever.  Internet in healthy doses=good.

I'm pretty careful and respectful of what I'm browsing at work.  I'm not really one to look at anything that would land me in any sort of trouble in OR outside of work...well, as far as I was aware of, that is.

A bit of backstory if you aren't aware: Gawker, Jezebel, Deadspin, Lifehacker, io9, and a whole bunch of other websites are all under the umbrella of the same company.  They all offer something vastly different that I find interesting:
Gawker has news (usually).
Jezebel has women's and feminist news.
Deadspin has sports, with a snarky twist.
Lifehacker has life tips. (duh)
io9 has interesting science-y stuff.

They all typically link to each other (and the other blogs I don't normally read) so usually I'll click on a link from Facebook for an article, but sometimes I will click on something from another site.

A while back, I saw an interesting looking article on Facebook from Jezebel, and I clicked on it. Immediately the page redirected to screen that said the article was blocked because of content.  Okay, I didn't think the article I clicked on was that provocative, but I closed the tab, made a mental note of it, and moved on.  Clicked on a link from Deadspin, and it opened just fine--despite part of the article title using the word "fuck".

Hmmmm.  O...k...interesting.  I read the article, saw a link somewhere in that article to a different link on Jezebel.  Click on that.  Nope, same page.  Now it's getting frustrating.  I open a new tab and try to go straight to Jezebel itself.  Nada.  Blocked.

I thought I'd try another site about women's interests and issues--Jane XO.  Nope.  Blocked too. I thought "okay, I'll just look at it on my phone", but forgot I'd connected IT to the internet, too.  No dice, blocked.

I didn't inquire into the matter further (I'm really not here to be surfing the web for long durations anyway), but REALLY??  Apparently it's perfectly FINE for me to look at a sports website that sprinkles the word "fuck" in its articles like you'd sprinkle pepper on a steak, but an article about relationships or sex or Hollywood, that's apparently NOT okay.  Near as I can tell, the entire website has been blocked just because of SOME of the content.

I'm not necessarily one of those women who is on a tirade or crusade for justice in equality (it's nice, but COME ON.  Really?  REALLY??  There's no good reason for that that I can see.

On the flip side, something that happened to me yesterday reaffirmed the concept of , as James Brown would put it, it's a man's man's man's world--and apparently, especially on the Internet.

Yesterday there was a fairly popular reddit post (by the way, I LOVE reddit) of some pictures taken in downtown Cedar Falls.  One of the people interacting with the original poster mentioned something about how he plows in Waterloo.  I made an off hand joke about "could you plow for a really really broke person?" and he responded and said yeah sure, as long as I talk about his business. Initially, I told him he really didn't need to, because I literally have no driveway, just a parking spot with about six feet between the spot and the street.  Once I remembered that I had almost gotten stuck yesterday morning, I changed my mind.

I gave him my address, and my work phone number (just in case!) and waited.  He called, I answered, and I could tell I COMPLETELY threw him off.  For one, the location of my parking spot in relation to my house is weird--I live on a corner, my address is one street, but I have to use the other street to turn into my spot--and THAT street is a one way street!  Anyway, I gave him enough of a description so he figured it out, but in regards to the phone call, as he was trying to make sense of the call, I said "reddit?" and he said YEAH! and that cleared things up.

BUT.

I got home, he did a great job, and said he plows near there and if it snows again he'll swing by and plow me again. (it really is the smallest plow job ever, but it sure saved me the trouble).  He also sent me this after I thanked him:

You're welcome random reddit lady who I assumed would be a dude because there aren't any girls on the internet.

Hmmmm.  Okay.  Obviously, I'm a girl (woman) on the Internet, but I am also somewhat socially awkward.  I wrote back and said:

Ha! That's comedy. No wonder you were so confused when I answered. We're just as socially awkward as guys!

To which I got back:

Haha yeah I was like um awesome some guy sent me to get robbed with a fake phone number lmao

Uhh...okay.  Interesting.

Now I'm not going to throw this guy under the bus at ALL.  He did a great job, and he TOTALLY didn't have to do that for me at ALL.  It's really nice to know that good people like that are still out there.  But I KNOW he's not the only one that has that mindset, that there aren't any "girls" on the internet.

I can't find demographic breakdowns for the site as a whole, but I know there's a fairly sizeable female population! Two subreddits that I subscribe to have over 250,000 subscribers--and they are makeup subreddits, so odds are pretty good that it's mostly women.

Granted, one of the top subreddits, funny, has over seven million subscribers, but either way...it's not a SMALL population out there.

Apparently James Brown was right...but I sure hope it's not that way forever.

Buckle up, baby! It's s-no-w picnic out there!

It snowed!  I don't mind snow too much, I suppose.  It's the cold that gets me.  Ugh.  I start having vivid daydreams of moving south for the forever when it gets bitterly cold...shudder

But anyway, snow.

I LOVE DRIVING IN SNOW!!

I am crazy, I know.  I am also a bit of a risk taker, it seems. (One of my fellow Allies asked me on the way back from training once--"Are you a thrill seeker?")  By all appearances, I guess I am!

It snowed a good four to six inches here yesterday into last night, and I had no problem driving in it. Well, I won't say "no problem"--obviously driving in snow is no piece of cake, especially when the roads aren't plowed or aren't well plowed.  BUT...unlike most of the other morons out there, I know how to drive in the snow.  I'm not full of myself, but I DID grow up on a farm, and driving in the country in winter is a whole different game than in town.  I also had two parents, and at least one grandparent who had a fairly lengthy commute to work (over a half hour, not quite an hour).  Driving is in my blood at this point.

Why do I like driving in winter?  It's a challenge!  It's kind of fun to drive in the snow because it's the adult version of winter fun.  It's a warmer, albeit more dangerous version of sledding, if you do it right or wrong.  And honestly, it makes me a better driver.  Normal driving conditions are so automatic (especially now that I drive an automatic) so it sharpens my normally dormant super driving skills.

Therein lies the problem with other drivers though...these are not normal driving conditions.  And much like severe weather watches and warnings (that is for a whole OTHER blog entry, I tell you), people don't take that seriously.  Driving is a privilege, not a right.  And I take that seriously.  I think that's another reason I like winter driving--I have earned the privilege to do so, and I'm not gonna screw that up.

For all that is good and holy in this vast world of ours, if you are reading this, I hope you know how to drive in the winter.  But if you don't (and that's okay!), here's some tips to keep in mind from someone who has had some kind of license to operate a motor vehicle FOR OVER TWENTY YEARS. (holy crap, I am old.)

Don't speed.
This SHOULD be a no-brainer, but you'd be surprised at how many people act like the road conditions are fine and pass me like I'm standing still.  I drive slow when it snows.  I like driving slow when it snows and knowing that I'm being safer than the morons.  I'm not an idiot. Sometimes I probably drive slower than might be necessary, but I have NEVER been in a snow accident (ice, but that's not snow) and going under the speed limit helps up those odds.  Again: duh.  This should be common sense.  But...

For the love of God, yield to the plows.
Again, this should be a no-brainer.  If you collide with a plow or cause an accident with a plow, guess who wins?  The plow.  They're a whole lot larger (again, duh) and you're going to come out on the losing end of that stick. (this is not to say that plow drivers are entirely faultless, but size wise, you won't win that fight.) To that end, here's some super helpful tips from the Iowa DOT about mindful winter driving with plows.

http://www.iowadot.gov/maintenance/images/snowplowlg.jpg
http://www.iowadot.gov/maintenance/SafeTravelAroundSnowplows.pdf

TL;DR: plow drivers have big blind spots, and their field of vision is much less than in a car.  They're also traveling at a fairly slow rate of speed compared to other drivers (WHO SHOULD BE GOING SLOWER AS WELL)

Plan ahead: Give yourself extra time.
Get up earlier, leave earlier, whatever--and even if you end up running behind, better to be a little behind than a little bit in the ditch or median.

Always be mindful of your surroundings and what is ahead.
I know, there's a lot to focus on.  But if you are so focused on the road ahead, and you ignore the person in your right lane until you merge right into them, you're gonna have a bad time.  Similarly, pay attention to what is in front of you.  Don't tailgate--and you should be going slowly enough anyway that you wouldn't BE tailgating.  Again, if you are going slow enough, you should be able to anticipate anything up ahead with enough time to do something about it.

Don't gun it.  Slow and steady wins the race.
Especially going up hills and inclines--tempting though it may be, don't accelerate too quickly, or you're just going to spin out.  Now granted--sometimes that's kind of fun if you know how to do it. Whee!  I wouldn't do it if I didn't have all my years of driving under my belt, though.

In the same vein: don't gun it if you DO get stuck.
That's just going to get you MORE stuck.  Even going from forward to reverse repeatedly doesn't always do the trick.  Just try not to get stuck in the first place, and if you do...get help, don't try to push the thing out by yourself.  It is futile to even try!

If you start getting stuck, start gently turning your steering wheel back and forth.
I've gotten up many a slippery slope that way.  Slowly, but I got up there.  It's the steering

The "easier said than done" tip: RELAX.  Don't drive scared.
This one isn't such a no-brainer, and to be honest, it does come with time and practice. (I've only been driving about oh, 20 years or so now?  HOLY COW, I AM OLD.)  But seriously--if you drive white knuckled on the wheel, leaning forward in the seat, looking too quickly around you...you're going to set yourself up for an accident.  Or at the very least, you're really setting yourself up for the potential of an accident.  Now I'm not saying relax to the point where you're careless.  But don't drive scared.  If you are scared, you are tense, and when you are tense, you don't always make good decisions.  Shoot, at this point, I'm so good with driving that I will turn up the radio (when it is safe to do so, obviously) and that, oddly enough, helps keep me focused and grounded. (It's the AD/HD, I'm sure.)

Hopefully this is all old news to you and you're just wondering why I wrote a blog about winter driving--but hey, you read it! :-)  And if it can help anyone, pass it along, why not?

Stay safe out there, people!