out of my mind, back in ten minutes (I hope)

There's no point in being less than forthright and no shame in being honest: this has been a rough 2015 for me already.  Friends, to be real deal Holyfield, I'm having a bit of a mid-life crisis, first suspected and researched online, then discussed with and confirmed by my therapist.  I've become insanely, acutely aware of what I have, but mostly what I have not yet done with my life.  I second guess and doubt everything I am going to do or have thought of doing or need to do.  I'm having terrific anxiety about what I'm going to be doing after my placement, which gives me anxiety about what I am doing now, and then I worry about that.  I can't say there isn't any aspect of my life that I have not questioned or second guessed or fruitlessly thought about changing in some way or another.

Coupled with the traditional Iowa winter blues, and a nice healthy dose of "someone f*cked up my prescription renewal so I haven't had some of my medication for almost two weeks now" I am in a weird place.  I don't wish myself any harm or ill-will, but I am about ready to plan a "I've got my meds back and I'm feeling fan-freaking-tastic" party and I feel very much like I am not all there right now.

Food doesn't sound good.  This is not good.  I need to keep eating.  I have been pushing myself to eat for days now.  Hunger as a concept no longer exists.
I am almost constantly sleepy.  I think I could sleep for days.
I am also almost constantly jittery. So laying down to sleep...still not easy.
Yesterday I found myself laughing at something that wasn't even funny.  Literally not funny.  I just couldn't stop laughing at it.
I feel like I am in a constant fog.
If you ever saw the Futurama episode Time Keeps On Slipping, that's also going on.  I feel like I blink and suddenly 20 minutes or so is missing.
I keep getting off and on headaches.

All in all, this is not as a whole terrible.  But I can tell you...it's Not Very Good At All.  I just don't feel like I'm always in my body and that's a very discombobulating feeling.  And a very isolating, panic inducing feeling.  I feel Very Alone, but at the same time, since I do feel so out of it, I don't like to burden others with it.  So I am Very Alone, but for everyone's own good.

I was nice to myself today.  I was going to get up early (after being up far too late, sleep schedule is an issue right now too) and Get Things Done, but even with my most obnoxious captcha necessary to turn off alarm, that didn't happen, and I spent the day mostly in bed, just watching TV and the Internet and basically being a zombie...

No regrets.  Hopefully it makes tomorrow better.

Three meetings on Wednesday, then two days away at training.  Please hope for the best.  I could use it.