They say nothing in life is free...they're right.

I just went through an experience so vexing, I have to blog about it, even if I am trying to maintain a decent level of positivity in this blog.

I'm putting together a brochure for my youth leadership/employment program.  I was (finally!) given the green light to rename the program to

Adolescents
Learning
Professional
Skills
(ALPS)

so to Google I went to look for some attention grabbing stock images of mountains and mountain climbers to punch up said brochure.

...do you know how LONG it took me to find ANYTHING that didn't require signing my life away, or paying a king's ransom (not even exaggerating) to use ONE picture?  ONE!!  ONE!!!!!!

I'm in non-profit here, people...I don't have hundreds (!!) of dollars to spend on pictures!

Now I'm not saying that photographers don't deserve something in return for their work...but for goodness sake, if I give you 501 (c)(3) documentation, don't you think you could do me a solid and just let me use A photo for my tiny little program?

THANKFULLY, after a looooooooot of searching, I FINALLY found https://unsplash.com/ which has nice big photos of various things...granted, I had to scroll

For. 
Ev. 
Er. 

to find a picture that was even remotely relevant.

BUT IT WAS FREE SO IT'S OKAY.

At some point, I have a blog about football and female consumerism, but since I found my "needle in the haystack" picture, it's time to write some copy.

Forwards, backwards, neutral...

Over the weekend, after I got back from training, I had the same thoughts it seems like I have every time I get back: have I changed?  Am I a better person?  Am I becoming a better person?  Am I looking towards the future?  I reached out to my Facebook friends to ask, because that kind of a question has a tendency to navel-gaze.  To my immense relief, I’m not wrong, they see it too.

Looking forward, changing…so then what do I do?  I go to my old work Christmas potluck.

KUNI has their potluck every December, and everyone is invited.  Yes, everyone who has ever had anything to do with KUNI at any point in time is invited to come.  I last worked there four years ago, which, all things considered (har har) seems like a lifetime ago.  Four years ago was before Starbucks, which is what I did before I started doing this.  It was a life time ago, really.

Man, I loved that job.  I really wanted to stay in public radio.  Working there was like working with family.  Everyone really cared about each other (even if some people drove others nuts and vice versa) and it was always a positive environment.  But I moved in with my significant other, and I started at Starbucks, and I just couldn't keep working there anymore.  I wrote my boss a two page resignation letter.  I sobbed doing it.  I really felt like I was leaving the best job I’d ever had.

Considering how I spent the last four years working, it was really paradise compared to Starbucks.  Ugh.  I won’t spend any more time on that than I need to.  I've gone to the KUNI Christmas potluck whenever I've been able to, because it’s a little like going to see family and it’s very positive.  This year was really no exception, it was good to see everyone, they were glad to see me, they were glad to hear how I was doing, vice versa, etc.

I left with mixed feelings.  I was glad I went, no question.  But it certainly was a little sobering to think about the four year difference between when I worked there and now.  I turned into a pretty lousy person working at Starbucks.  It was soul sucking and thankless and really pretty terrible.  And I was a pretty terrible person, too.  Not because I wanted to be, but because that’s just how it went.  And unfortunately, being a really terrible person stuck in neutral didn’t do me a lot of favors for myself or for others.

I find myself sitting in my office thinking about what I wanted then and what I want now.  What’s different?  Well, I don’t do the same thing anymore, obviously.  I’m four years older.  I am definitely a better person, even though I went through a very long period of being Not A Better Person.  Different people have different roles in my life now compared to then.

What’s the same?  Well, I think I still want a lot of the same things: I want to be happy (or in this case happier, since I am already happy).  I want to do something fulfilling (and I am).  I want to spend my time with people I care about and love, and who care about and love me.  Do I still feel the same way about that now as I did then?  (I've gone through many circles of thought on that one, but I think I do.)

I want to keep moving forward, to keep making myself, and everyone around me, and everything around me better, but I don’t know how much from the past to hang on to, to take with me forward.  In that case, how do I determine which is which?  Do I take the things and people that will definitely carry me forward?  How do I decide what that means?  Do I take the things and people who might carry me forward?  How about the ones I’m not sure of?  Am I expecting anything of anyone that I might not expect of myself?

There are so many things I feel so certain of, and so many others that I have no idea about.  I’m not sure if the questions are the same, or the things I’m questioning are the same.  I don’t know.  I just wish the questions—or the answers—were a lot less fuzzy.

And I wish I could take the afternoon to try to gain some focus, but back to work it is.

From the rebroadcast of American Top 40 this morning

Maybe it's idealistic, but it's idealistic I could get on board with.

Desiderata - Les Crane: http://youtu.be/2yNJaKF9sXA

It creeps up on you, man.

If you don't already know, I'm in a branch of AmeriCorps called Public Allies: that's really a whole other blog post to explain, I'm just going to talk about something I realized with this last training that I just came back from.

Most of my fellow Allies are a fair degree younger than me.  That's to be expected, most of the time in just about any situation I've been in this is the case.  It's never a big deal, I certainly never feel 35 in the least 99% of the time.  I still look reasonably young for my age.  I don't feel awkward or like I don't fit in to the group because of age or anything like that.

This was our third in person training.  For our trainings, we go to Boone to the YMCA Camp, and it is AWESOME.  Middle of the woods, fires, friends, Mike (the awesome Y Camp staff/honorary Ally), learning, laughing, it's an amazing experience and every time I go and come back I come back a little bit better.

But.

Or maybe I should say, Butt.

I've now been there three times, and every time I get there and think, "Oh crap.  Not the chairs again."

I'm skinny; it is what it is.  Probably the worst part of being skinny is I. Have. No. Butt.  I often speak of the best way to make me talk about anything: put me on a hard chair and I'll say anything.  ANYTHING!!!  Just give me a cushion to sit on, dammit!!

"What of the floor?" you might say.  Well, since it IS camp and we ARE in the middle of the woods, the floor is carpeted, yes--but it's industrial carpet.  Flat.  Hard.  Not Comfy At All.  BUT, occasionally slightly less uncomfortable than the hard plastic chairs.

I figured out that if I sat on the floor, on my hat, it wasn't so terrible--terrible yes; but not so much so.  However...I was sitting on the floor, making an entirely futile attempt to find a comfortable spot (HA!) when I felt something shift slightly and then a...

Well, I don't know what to call it.  A pinched nerve?  Something out of joint?  A pulled muscle?  All I know is that my body was calling FULL STOP on me sitting that particular way that never bothered me in the least before.  I moved carefully, quickly to minimize the damage, and it eased up and I was okay.  I did that exactly one more time when we were down there.  I NEED TO REMEMBER TO TAKE A SPARE PILLOW.  Nobody will judge me for having no butt.

The other thing that happened was that I (for some stupid reason, even though I knew we'd be outside) didn't wear my winter boots, which I sure could have used.  I keep forgetting to take care of myself, of my toes, so they don't get as cold--they'll get cold, that's no question.  We were in the woods building survival huts out of branches and leaves and oh lord, no leaf lined shelter, warm and cozy though they may be, could keep my toes safe if I was stuck out there in the elements.

As I said to someone, it's hard to remember to take care of myself, that I am not as young as I used to be.  Am I old?  Oh lord, no.  Am I as young and limber and full of pep as I used to be?  No.  Do I still have a bony butt?  Yes, yes I do.

It was a fantastic two days though, but it was also nice to come back to have dinner with the dude, a nice hot shower (I could have showered there, but eh, it was just one overnight) and now I'm snuggled in bed with the cat and my handy dandy back massager on my poor old spine...

It sneaks up on you, that age thing.  It's slow, but effective, and real, but not entirely awful.

I got to meet an owl tonight.

Their eyes are so big, there isn't as much room for their brain, so they aren't really very smart, and without their feathers they are the size of a normal bird.  Fascinating.

*fanfare*

Well, here it is, folks.  I've been told I should blog, and I'm open to suggestion, so even though I've flaked these sorts of things off previously, I'm gonna give it a go again.

...not right now, though.  I've got work to do.  Ever tried to build a program for youth?  Or rather, I should say rebuild a program for youth.  I took apart the pieces, blew them up, and now I'm trying to glue them back together.  Oy!  So for now...I'll be over here with my glue and research.