Forwards, backwards, neutral...

Over the weekend, after I got back from training, I had the same thoughts it seems like I have every time I get back: have I changed?  Am I a better person?  Am I becoming a better person?  Am I looking towards the future?  I reached out to my Facebook friends to ask, because that kind of a question has a tendency to navel-gaze.  To my immense relief, I’m not wrong, they see it too.

Looking forward, changing…so then what do I do?  I go to my old work Christmas potluck.

KUNI has their potluck every December, and everyone is invited.  Yes, everyone who has ever had anything to do with KUNI at any point in time is invited to come.  I last worked there four years ago, which, all things considered (har har) seems like a lifetime ago.  Four years ago was before Starbucks, which is what I did before I started doing this.  It was a life time ago, really.

Man, I loved that job.  I really wanted to stay in public radio.  Working there was like working with family.  Everyone really cared about each other (even if some people drove others nuts and vice versa) and it was always a positive environment.  But I moved in with my significant other, and I started at Starbucks, and I just couldn't keep working there anymore.  I wrote my boss a two page resignation letter.  I sobbed doing it.  I really felt like I was leaving the best job I’d ever had.

Considering how I spent the last four years working, it was really paradise compared to Starbucks.  Ugh.  I won’t spend any more time on that than I need to.  I've gone to the KUNI Christmas potluck whenever I've been able to, because it’s a little like going to see family and it’s very positive.  This year was really no exception, it was good to see everyone, they were glad to see me, they were glad to hear how I was doing, vice versa, etc.

I left with mixed feelings.  I was glad I went, no question.  But it certainly was a little sobering to think about the four year difference between when I worked there and now.  I turned into a pretty lousy person working at Starbucks.  It was soul sucking and thankless and really pretty terrible.  And I was a pretty terrible person, too.  Not because I wanted to be, but because that’s just how it went.  And unfortunately, being a really terrible person stuck in neutral didn’t do me a lot of favors for myself or for others.

I find myself sitting in my office thinking about what I wanted then and what I want now.  What’s different?  Well, I don’t do the same thing anymore, obviously.  I’m four years older.  I am definitely a better person, even though I went through a very long period of being Not A Better Person.  Different people have different roles in my life now compared to then.

What’s the same?  Well, I think I still want a lot of the same things: I want to be happy (or in this case happier, since I am already happy).  I want to do something fulfilling (and I am).  I want to spend my time with people I care about and love, and who care about and love me.  Do I still feel the same way about that now as I did then?  (I've gone through many circles of thought on that one, but I think I do.)

I want to keep moving forward, to keep making myself, and everyone around me, and everything around me better, but I don’t know how much from the past to hang on to, to take with me forward.  In that case, how do I determine which is which?  Do I take the things and people that will definitely carry me forward?  How do I decide what that means?  Do I take the things and people who might carry me forward?  How about the ones I’m not sure of?  Am I expecting anything of anyone that I might not expect of myself?

There are so many things I feel so certain of, and so many others that I have no idea about.  I’m not sure if the questions are the same, or the things I’m questioning are the same.  I don’t know.  I just wish the questions—or the answers—were a lot less fuzzy.

And I wish I could take the afternoon to try to gain some focus, but back to work it is.