On being a jerk as a form of self-reflection.

We had a gift exchange/Secret Santa here at work today.  I won't go into the meat of things, but it ended up being a very lopsided exchange.  I inadvertently directly exchanged with the same person and while I got her some nice stuff, well...it didn't quite go both ways, which was disappointing.  I mean, it's not like I'm hard to buy for.  I like owls.  I like purple.  I like plants.  Boom.  Easy.  But anyway...

At first I was only minorly irritated, but then the more I sat here and thought about it, I got angrier and angrier.  I did something I really wouldn't normally do (or at least I'm trying to make a habit of not doing) and I vented on Facebook. (which I did eventually delete once I figured out the underlying reasons for my feelings.)

I'm really trying to be a more positive person, but in a way, it was not a terrible thing to be a total jerk and have people chew me out.  It helped me pinpoint where the source of my anger was directed--at a situation that came up this time last year, that really hasn't gotten resolved, not truly.  The feelings of feeling unimportant and an afterthought after doing something nice for someone--I thought I had pretty well dealt with that some time ago.  It wasn't remotely the same situation, but somewhere it felt the same.

This happened when I went to training in November too...something completely, and I mean COMPLETELY unrelated to the actual matter triggered something I couldn't quite put my finger on, until everything crumbled around me and I lashed out at someone. (who very graciously accepted my apology once I could explain what happened)  But at the same time, I wouldn't have probably had that thought process, nor really faced the fact that there were unresolved feelings I hadn't paid attention to.

So did I learn from that situation?

• I like rules.  
• Ideally, rules should be followed.  
• If they aren't, that tends to irritate me, especially if others aren't following them.
• Just because I think something is resolved, it probably isn't.
• I really am not a bad person just because someone thought I was--that was about them, not me.
• I should really try to step outside of things if I can tell I'm getting frustrated.

Okay, then.  What can I learn from this situation?

• Sometimes I am too generous and selfless.
• It's not necessarily bad to be that way, but if I am going to do so, I can't go all in or else I'm going to be sorely disappointed.
• I need to know where to draw the line at when it comes to that sort of thing.
• I really shouldn't take it personally.
• Perhaps this situation (Secret Santa) is really just not necessarily my strong suit when it comes to these kinds of things BECAUSE of these inclinations.

But there's a bigger lesson to be learned from both of these situations: breaking negative patterns is HARD.  

I have really 

(really!) 

tried to critically and as objectively as possible evaluate myself and what I do and tried to break negative patterns of thought and action.  For the most part, I'd say I'm not doing too bad about 95% of the time.  I'm definitely in a much better place in life, for sure.

BUT.

Sometimes, and I don't mean it, I'm just a flat out jerk.  I probably shouldn't be so hard on myself--we're all jerks now and then--but considering the negative patterns I'm trying to break out of, when I'm a jerk, I can be a real jerk.

(okay, I'm pretty over the word "jerk"...)

Point is...it would be one thing to be a...that person...and continue to be that kind of a person and never learn or change from it.  And honestly, not all that long ago, I probably would have held on to that feeling and let it simmer and blow up and do it all over again and never learn a thing.  I wouldn't have tried to take a step back and look at the situation and admit any sort of fault whatsoever; I would stubbornly try to keep moving forward the same way without apology--or with an insincere apology.

These days, when I'm...(let's go with "rotten") a rotten person, I certainly initially have those simmer moments which sometimes settle down, and sometimes blow up.  Sometimes they go away on their own, which is SUPER!  But simmer or blow up, either way, at least I can point to myself and say

"Man, I was a real jerk*.  I sure was wrong; how can I avoid doing this again?"

I suppose the lessons worth learning are never learned easily, are they?

*I really had to stick to the theme here, much as I was tired of using the same word over and over again.