Death, I barely knew ye.

Two people I knew died yesterday, for completely unrelated reasons, in completely different circumstances.

The first one was a surprise--a high school classmate, out of the blue.  That makes three of us gone from the class of 1998, which I suppose from a statistical standpoint is pretty good; there was about 120 of us.

The second one was, unfortunately, not a surprise in the least.  Someone I worked with about 15 years ago was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer many years back.  It had been a very, long, slow process.  He really gave it all he could, but in the end, the cancer won.

It may sound cold, but here it is--I have no strong feelings either way about either of them.

No, hear me out here.

The classmate--well, we weren't close in the least.  He existed outside of what was even my small circle.  He had that long haired Metallica shirt wearing thing going on, which was a foreign concept to naive me, and which would label him as a loser in some circles, I imagine...I remember being horrified and fascinated with every Metallica (and their ilk) shirt that he wore.  What on earth was all that horrific imagery about?  How was he so mellow, and even cool with wearing that around?  He seemed like a nice enough guy, I just didn't really know him that well.

The former coworker--jeez, that was a hell of a long time ago.  I haven't even seen him for a good ten years or so.  He was a fun guy to work with, I remember.  He had a good sense of humor and was a prankster (though I never really was in on jokes, if I recall).  I was stunned when I found out years ago that he had been diagnosed; he was so young! (he's not much older than me, which is funny because when I knew him he seemed SO much older than me--but then again, I was 19.)  And honestly, there is a great sense of sad relief that he is no longer suffering (trite as that statement is), because he was there at the end.  Cancer is a real bitch.

But I have no strong feelings about either of them.  And that is totally okay.  I am not going to sit here and publicly declare how tragic it is and how much they meant to me and how much I am going to miss them because...I'm not.  I'm sad, yes, absolutely.  The guy I worked with had a baby he and his wife weren't expecting a couple of months ago, so now here is a tiny baby who doesn't get to spend his first Christmas--or any Christmas--with his dad.  And my classmate's family has to cope with this sudden and unexpected loss at what is normally such a happy time of year.  THAT'S what makes me sad.  THAT'S what makes this tragic and unfair.  That's worth being sad over.

I'm not going to make a bigger deal out of this than I feel--because that isn't the right thing to do.  I feel sad for their families, their friends, their colleagues, the people that truly knew them and cared about them and genuinely loved them.  I couldn't piggy back on their very real grief and sadness and great sense of loss because that isn't how I feel.  I have no right to feel that way and it would be very exploitative and navel gazing and selfish to publicly mourn about how lost I was going to feel without them and how they were such an important part of my life and on and on...

So let me be clear: this is sad.  I am sad.  It makes me hard stop and think about my own life in perspective.  My classmate was still too young and my former coworker's tiny son does not deserve to grow up without his dad, and his wife doesn't deserve to suddenly be a single mother.  And their families don't deserve to celebrate the holiday with big pieces of their lives so freshly missing.  I suppose really, that's who to be sad for--not the people who are gone, but the people who are left behind.